Touken Ranbu Novel Anthology

[rikoren]

Old Dogs
by Nana Mizusawa

Every once in a while, the citadel would hold a routine strategy meeting.
The goal was to exchange opinions on different strategies and tactics in preparation for the actual battles.
As there were too many touken danshi for them all to participate, a select number would be chosen for each meeting.
Gathered here today were Kasen Kanesada, Souza Samonji, Nikkari Aoe, Hachisuka Kotetsu, Kashuu Kiyomitsu, Yamatonokami Yasusada, and Ookurikara, numbering seven total.
"Don't you think holding strategy meetings indoors on such a fine day as this, is rather unromantic? There isn't a speck of elegance to this. On top of that, our most important Master isn't here - truly incomprehensible."
A flood of other discontented voices poured out after Kasen's complaint.
"Even though I don't have much in the way of battlefield experience...why must everyone wait upon me? Just like that man..."
Souza Samonji, making an anguished face as he rested his forehead on the backs of his hands, let out a troubled sigh.
"Are we talking about cutting and being cut, on Master's summons? Personally, I'd much rather chat about touching and being touched."
So said Nikkari Aoe, with a cheerful smile on his face.
"Cut down the enemy! Isn't that all there is to it? Honestly, as long as you have a genuine work like me here, there's really no need for meetings like this...I'm not a fake, after all..."
Hachisuka seemed extremely disagreeable as he muttered his complaint.
"Fighting in summer is groooss. The sweat will ruin my hair, I can't be cute like this--"
Five of those gathered. So far not a single battle-related opinion had been given.
"...."
Because of this Ookurikara sat silent, simply watching the others with an expressionless gaze.
And then, the final member burst in.
"Ah, did it start already? Sorry I'm late! Kane-san couldn't find his favorite obi, and searching for it took longer than I thought!"
Scratching the back of his head, not looking at all shy as he entered, was Horikawa Kunihiro.
"Don't worry. We just got here. It looks like we're all here now, so let's start."
The gentle answer came from Yamatonokami Yasusada. His smile was enhanced by the beauty mark under his eye.
In this manner, the strategy meeting between the eight swordsmen began. However---

"I absolutely recommend the echelon formation. When all is said and done, wouldn't you say that formation is the most graceful of our options? Asymmetry is the foundation of Japanese beauty, after all. A refined spirit is paramount in battle. Don't you agree?"
"Isn't the military formation what's important here? Whether it has elegance or not doesn't have any effect on the outcome of the battle, does it? It won't necessarily turn out how you imagine it, anyhow..."
"As long as you can smell blood it should be fine. But personally, I think the crane wing formation should be good. That way we can box in a larger amount of enemies and knock them all up in one go. Heheh..."
"I like horizontal formation. An open formation like that feels much more genuine, like a fair and even match. We should show our enemies that, unlike fakes, we're not unfair or cowardly in the least."
"Kane-san told me he likes fish scale formation. So why don't we go with that?"
"Oh, battle formations? Err, let's see, which one's cuter? Square formation?"
Kashuu rested his chin on his hands as he gazed at the formations laid out on the table.
They were supposed to be discussing the effectiveness of the various formations, but these were the only sorts of comments that came up.
With a group of nothing but self-asserting people, it was impossible to reach any sort of agreement.
None of them felt like settling with each other in the first place.
It had been nearly an hour since this study meeting started.
Ookurikara, whose lips had been sealed this whole time, pursed them even tighter.
"...."
He couldn't stop his mouth twisting at the corners as he tried to think of a way to cut in and bring the discussion to a close.
And then Yamatonokami Yasusada, who'd been silently watching all this time, opened his mouth.
"It's nice being able to see everyone's opinions like this. I can tell everybody's got different ways of thinking, too. But don't you think we should come to an agreement soon? We have to write up a report for Master, too."
Ookurikara peered closely at Yamatonokami Yasusada. With how reserved the other sword always was, he'd never really stood out, and the fact he'd so clearly voiced his opinions was a surprise.
(I see, that way of saying it doesn't cut any corners.) He mentally gave a quiet nod of agreement.
He wasn't good at getting along with people, but he could appreciate that here was someone he could learn a few things from in that regard.
Thinking they should all be coming to a consensus now, Ookurikara let his gaze roam around the table. However---
"What's needed in our battle formation is elegance. That's why it has to be echelon formation. In the name of the liberal arts, that is the one point I refuse to concede."
"Whichever you choose, it doesn't make much difference to a caged bird...*sigh*..."
"The crane wing formation is obviously the best. There's nothing better than gathering the enemies together and knocking them up, right?"
"I've decided on a head-on confrontation in horizontal formation. Honestly, how many times do you expect me to tell you this?"
"Kane-san's recommendation was fish scale formation. So shouldn't that be good enough?"
"What's wrong with square formation! Seeeeriously, that one's the cutest, okay~!"
As expected, not one of them felt like cooperating.
(...There's a limit to how long you can ignore people!)
Unbeknownst to Ookurikara, the voice of a straight man was growing strong within him.
But nobody noticed that, and each continued to voice their own opinions.
"By the way, what's the schedule for this month's poetry competition?"
"Such a feeling is something only a caged bird would be unable to understand..."
"When you think of smiles, that logically leads to Nikkari. Mmhm."
"Honestly, that's why I said it has to be the genuine article..."
"I wonder if Kane-san's properly eaten his lunch? It would be nice if he wasn't so picky..."
"Cuteness is justice~!"
The conversation had circled around so often, it had now strayed incredibly far from the topic of battle formations.
(And now they're talking about totally unrelated stuff...!)
Ookurikara's inner voice was only growing stronger. He was assaulted by feelings of misery, thinking that he'd be forced to sit through this farce of a meeting until the sun set.
And so he began to stand up, meaning to voice his opinion.
Suddenly, from right next to him came the sound of something violently hitting the tatami mat.
Everyone in the room turned to stare at the one who'd made the sound. That person...was Yamatonokami Yasusada.
Slowly lifting his face from where it had hit the tatami, he glared at each of them in turn.
"ORAA! Can you guys quit it already!? How long're you idiots gonna keep blabbering! You wanna lose your heads that much? Hey, who's up first? Maybe you, the one who won't shut up about elegance? Or you, the one who wants to act like some kinda hot courtesan? Or you, the one who keeps spitting out innuendo like a sex-obsessed freak? Or you, the idiot who can't remember how to say anything other than fake, fake, fake? Or you, the one who won't shut up about Kanekanekanekane? Or you, the one who wants to spread cuteness all over the world?...Who wants to go? Come on, just try me!"
Words unimaginable from such a sweet face flew out at bullet speed.
The hall, which had been so quiet up 'til now, became so silent you could hear a pin drop.
Ookurikara's eyes widened in the silence.
Come to think of it, when they'd gone out in the same squad before, he remembered seeing Yamatonokami Yasusada charging into battle, yelling "Oraora" as he went. He hadn't seen it very often, so it had faded from his memory.
"Oraoraoraa, how about it? Who's up first? Come on, say something, kitties!"
After that, the study meeting - which had previously been unable to come to an agreement - gathered instantly into a logical discussion before coming to a close.
Ookurikara unintentionally muttered something as he left the hall.
"I'm really not meant to get along with people..."

End