Lan-xuezhang, Please Stop Crushing On Me
Jun. 15th, 2019 09:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rikorenChapter 1
[Just as a note, "xuezhang" is a term of respect for a schoolmate, similar to senpai!]
※
Does this Lan Wangji...have a crush on me?
The moment this thought arose, all sorts of little clues came together all at once.
Wei Wuxian had a revelation.
There could only be one answer.
This had to be it...
Otherwise, how else would you explain the fact that he'd just come to this school a hundred-or-so days ago, and yet had accidentally chanced upon Lan Wangji 800 times!?
Alright, so they studied the same major, and they had the same professors, and the chances of them picking the same class were kinda high—but Lan Wangji was a PhD student/teaching assistant, and even lived in a different dorm building; putting aside classes, the library, and Professor Jiang's lab, why did they keep running into each other when he stopped to play some basketball, or took a trip to the cafeteria, or even when he was just buying a cup of milk tea??
Did every road in town all lead directly to Lan Wangji's feet?
These "chance meetings" had been going on for three months straight!
There was something wrong here, it was way too fishy.
Somebody must have researched his behavior patterns and deduced a list of places with a possibility of chance meetups, because how else would it be happening so often!?
The one who researched these patterns wasn't me, so it could only have been Lan Wangji.
Which means...
If he doesn't have a crush on me...and wants to get closer to me...then...
How the heck would that make any sense!?
Wei Wuxian put up his foot, unrepentantly ate the last potato chip, crumpled the bag into a ball, and casually threw it outside.
Three seconds later, Lan Wangji appeared outside the window.
"Wei Wuxian: "......"
Did I just throw out a Master Ball???
Lan Wangji: "Littering, will be points deducted from your general evaluation."
Wei Wuxian lifted his hands in surrender: "Xuezhang, I wasn't littering."
"Then what is this?" Lan Wangji lifted the wrapper ball in his hand, the Lay's logo on it crumpled in such a way that all you could see were the letters sL.
A real ominous you're dead. [TN: SL=死了/si le=dead]
Wei Wuxian's mouth curled upwards as he said: "If you hadn't interrupted, it should've landed perfectly in the trashcan under the window—here, could you take maybe a half-step back, the trashcan's right on the side there. I've calculated this a lot of times already, my chances of success are up to 97%."
Surprisingly, Lan Wangji really did take a half-step back, but rather than leaving, he bent over to pick up the trashcan sitting in the middle of the road, then walked back again, immediately following which came three knocks on the dorm room door.
Wei Wuxian put a hand to his forehead, helplessly saying: "Yeah yeah come in, come in already, the door's not locked!"
What's wrong with you, we've already talked and everything and here you are knocking before entering, don't you think you're overdoing it at all—of course, I knew you'd feel the need to come in for a look around.
Lan Wangji opened the door; there wasn't much need to scope out the place, as graduate student dorms were all identical, with a bed above and a writing desk and dresser below, a bathroom farther in, windows on two sides, you could see the whole layout of the room in one glance. But Wei Wuxian's room was noticeably...uncommonly messy. He hesitated a moment, but in the end stepped inside, placing the trashcan nice and proper by the wall, dropping the "Master Ball" chip bag inside, then gathering all the nearby random wrappers to put away as well.
"Go get a broom."
Wei Wuxian squinted at him, not moving from his spot as he said: "It's under the dresser, get it yourself."
Lan Wangji walked over, towering above him as he looked down and repeated himself: "Get the broom."
"Wow!" As if discovering a new world, Wei Wuxian put both hands to his heart, raised his head, and pitched his voice a little higher to say, "Lan Er-gege's so impressive, you made my little heart pound."
After saying this, rather than grossing out Lan Wangji, he found himself getting goosebumps first.
Too lovesick, too lovey dovey, too nauseating, way too destructive! It's practically hurting someone 1k only to lose 800hp yourself, the losses involved in that transaction aren't anywhere near worth it.
Only those twitterpated undergrad girls could manage to use a line this cheesy. At the entrance ceremony, Lan Wangji had been invited to come up on stage and perform a tune; the moment he was done, a whole mob of girls wearing strips of white cloth across their foreheads raised their banners up high, shouting out that line all in unison—damn, it was so crazy he practically couldn't bring himself to look.
If he hadn't gotten conscripted and forced to patrol the area with a red armband on, he would've gotten out of there early on rather than staying to listen to such thrilling words of support.
It was too demonic an experience, the impression it left too deep in his memory, making it impossible to forget no matter how hard he tried, so that the moment he let down his guard he accidentally said it out loud.
Lan Wangji's face was blank, not even glancing sideways as he said: "How long has it been since you last cleaned?"
Wei Wuxian was perplexed: "Cleaned? Cleaned what? Isn't this pretty clean already? Sure it's a little messy, but it's not like it affects my sleep...don't cleaning ladies show up every month anyway?"
Lan Wangji: "......"
Tch, his brow just furrowed a tiny little bit, that means he's unhappy right? If you think my dorm room's dirty, then you don't hafta come in. Wei Wuxian thought to himself, A big man like you, even if you were my substitute teacher, even if Uncle Jiang showed up himself, even if you deducted all of my general evaluation points, don't count on me moving a single finger here.
If I say I'm not cleaning, I'm not cleaning.
※
Half an hour later.
A fully-equipped Wei Wuxian finished sweeping the floor for the third time, pressing a hand to his lower back as he finally stood back up with a miserable look on his face: "This should be enough right, the floor is so clean they're reflective - Boss Lan, if this still isn't up to your standards I'm gonna start a riot!"
Lan Wangji's shiny polished leather shoes stepped once on the mirror-bright floor and didn't leave the slightest hint of a footprint; only then did he turn around to leave, leaving behind only the words "up to standards".
With a wave of his hand, taking with him four bags of garbage, and leaving behind a stack of unfinished reports.
Wei Wuxian secretly stuck up a finger at Lan Wangji's back; he held the position for quite a long time, and as he did so realized that the guy's figure as seen from behind had broad shoulders and a narrow butt, his back so straight it was like he was a soldier standing at attention, his legs long and straight. Consequently he couldn't resist sticking his head out to keep looking, all the way until Lan Wangji had turned the corner, headed down the stairs, and disappeared entirely from view, before he reluctantly slunk back into his room.
What kind of a person is this, he's so vicious! No wait, didn't you have a crush on me? How come you're not even a little bit kind! Minus points!
...Hm? Wait a minute...
This building has at least sixteen dorm rooms, and half of them are from classes he leads. But he didn't go looking for anyone else, and didn't check how clean anyone else's dorm room was—why did he only enter mine? From arriving, to leaving, didn't he basically make a straight beeline!?
Is there such thing as a dorm patrol only spot checking one person!?
There's no way he'd do this just because he happened to see me throw out a chip bag as he was passing by, right!?
Which means...
Hmph.
I knew he had a crush on me.
He was just looking for an excuse to meet me, wasn't he!?
So what were you so mean for, when you meet the guy you have a crush on you shouldn't you be as gentle as the spring breeze?
Like, say...give me a shoulder massage, deliver tea, feed me...or something.
Lan-xuezhang oh Lan-xuezhang, you're such a tsundere, keeping it hidden so deep, if I was anyone else there's no way they'd ever notice. If it weren't for how amazingly perceptive I am, anyone else would totally have thought you were just trying to pick a fight with them.
No matter how handsome you are that's still gonna leave you forever alone.
Having figured out the whole story in a flash of insight, Wei Wuxian suddenly had a clear conscience, dropping the mop in his hand as he dropped back into his chair.
Wait!
He'd been about to fall asleep when a jolt of lightning flashed through his brain.
What did he say!?
What was it he'd said, when Lan Wangji came to check his room!?
—Lan Er-gege's so impressive, you made my little heart pound.
Injure a thousand people!? Lose eight hundred of your own!? [TN: An idiom meaning that if you try to meet force with force, neither side will get a happy ending.]
Injure...what!?
Wouldn't Lan Wangji have been happy beyond belief to hear that!? This was all benefits and no losses for him, wasn't it!?
If that line could injure Lan Wangji then his name wasn't Wei!
Wei Wuxian was mentally vomiting blood like a madman, barely a step away from dying on the spot.
"It's not that I'm not trying my best...it's that the enemy's too powerful...urgh..." The tiny person in his mind felt in his shirt for 3.50 in old banknotes, shaking as he said, "This is my final party membership dues..."
Boooooooom！
After the huge explosion, Wei Wuxian was struggling at death's door, gasping his final breath as he collapsed onto his desk. A piece of paper landed on his head, on which was written—"Essay Topic Proposal", deadline, tomorrow.
A fatal hit, HP-3000.
The End.
(It's not actually over, TBC.)
========
Next chapter: 02
[Just as a note, "xuezhang" is a term of respect for a schoolmate, similar to senpai!]
※
Does this Lan Wangji...have a crush on me?
The moment this thought arose, all sorts of little clues came together all at once.
Wei Wuxian had a revelation.
There could only be one answer.
This had to be it...
Otherwise, how else would you explain the fact that he'd just come to this school a hundred-or-so days ago, and yet had accidentally chanced upon Lan Wangji 800 times!?
Alright, so they studied the same major, and they had the same professors, and the chances of them picking the same class were kinda high—but Lan Wangji was a PhD student/teaching assistant, and even lived in a different dorm building; putting aside classes, the library, and Professor Jiang's lab, why did they keep running into each other when he stopped to play some basketball, or took a trip to the cafeteria, or even when he was just buying a cup of milk tea??
Did every road in town all lead directly to Lan Wangji's feet?
These "chance meetings" had been going on for three months straight!
There was something wrong here, it was way too fishy.
Somebody must have researched his behavior patterns and deduced a list of places with a possibility of chance meetups, because how else would it be happening so often!?
The one who researched these patterns wasn't me, so it could only have been Lan Wangji.
Which means...
If he doesn't have a crush on me...and wants to get closer to me...then...
How the heck would that make any sense!?
Wei Wuxian put up his foot, unrepentantly ate the last potato chip, crumpled the bag into a ball, and casually threw it outside.
Three seconds later, Lan Wangji appeared outside the window.
"Wei Wuxian: "......"
Did I just throw out a Master Ball???
Lan Wangji: "Littering, will be points deducted from your general evaluation."
Wei Wuxian lifted his hands in surrender: "Xuezhang, I wasn't littering."
"Then what is this?" Lan Wangji lifted the wrapper ball in his hand, the Lay's logo on it crumpled in such a way that all you could see were the letters sL.
A real ominous you're dead. [TN: SL=死了/si le=dead]
Wei Wuxian's mouth curled upwards as he said: "If you hadn't interrupted, it should've landed perfectly in the trashcan under the window—here, could you take maybe a half-step back, the trashcan's right on the side there. I've calculated this a lot of times already, my chances of success are up to 97%."
Surprisingly, Lan Wangji really did take a half-step back, but rather than leaving, he bent over to pick up the trashcan sitting in the middle of the road, then walked back again, immediately following which came three knocks on the dorm room door.
Wei Wuxian put a hand to his forehead, helplessly saying: "Yeah yeah come in, come in already, the door's not locked!"
What's wrong with you, we've already talked and everything and here you are knocking before entering, don't you think you're overdoing it at all—of course, I knew you'd feel the need to come in for a look around.
Lan Wangji opened the door; there wasn't much need to scope out the place, as graduate student dorms were all identical, with a bed above and a writing desk and dresser below, a bathroom farther in, windows on two sides, you could see the whole layout of the room in one glance. But Wei Wuxian's room was noticeably...uncommonly messy. He hesitated a moment, but in the end stepped inside, placing the trashcan nice and proper by the wall, dropping the "Master Ball" chip bag inside, then gathering all the nearby random wrappers to put away as well.
"Go get a broom."
Wei Wuxian squinted at him, not moving from his spot as he said: "It's under the dresser, get it yourself."
Lan Wangji walked over, towering above him as he looked down and repeated himself: "Get the broom."
"Wow!" As if discovering a new world, Wei Wuxian put both hands to his heart, raised his head, and pitched his voice a little higher to say, "Lan Er-gege's so impressive, you made my little heart pound."
After saying this, rather than grossing out Lan Wangji, he found himself getting goosebumps first.
Too lovesick, too lovey dovey, too nauseating, way too destructive! It's practically hurting someone 1k only to lose 800hp yourself, the losses involved in that transaction aren't anywhere near worth it.
Only those twitterpated undergrad girls could manage to use a line this cheesy. At the entrance ceremony, Lan Wangji had been invited to come up on stage and perform a tune; the moment he was done, a whole mob of girls wearing strips of white cloth across their foreheads raised their banners up high, shouting out that line all in unison—damn, it was so crazy he practically couldn't bring himself to look.
If he hadn't gotten conscripted and forced to patrol the area with a red armband on, he would've gotten out of there early on rather than staying to listen to such thrilling words of support.
It was too demonic an experience, the impression it left too deep in his memory, making it impossible to forget no matter how hard he tried, so that the moment he let down his guard he accidentally said it out loud.
Lan Wangji's face was blank, not even glancing sideways as he said: "How long has it been since you last cleaned?"
Wei Wuxian was perplexed: "Cleaned? Cleaned what? Isn't this pretty clean already? Sure it's a little messy, but it's not like it affects my sleep...don't cleaning ladies show up every month anyway?"
Lan Wangji: "......"
Tch, his brow just furrowed a tiny little bit, that means he's unhappy right? If you think my dorm room's dirty, then you don't hafta come in. Wei Wuxian thought to himself, A big man like you, even if you were my substitute teacher, even if Uncle Jiang showed up himself, even if you deducted all of my general evaluation points, don't count on me moving a single finger here.
If I say I'm not cleaning, I'm not cleaning.
※
Half an hour later.
A fully-equipped Wei Wuxian finished sweeping the floor for the third time, pressing a hand to his lower back as he finally stood back up with a miserable look on his face: "This should be enough right, the floor is so clean they're reflective - Boss Lan, if this still isn't up to your standards I'm gonna start a riot!"
Lan Wangji's shiny polished leather shoes stepped once on the mirror-bright floor and didn't leave the slightest hint of a footprint; only then did he turn around to leave, leaving behind only the words "up to standards".
With a wave of his hand, taking with him four bags of garbage, and leaving behind a stack of unfinished reports.
Wei Wuxian secretly stuck up a finger at Lan Wangji's back; he held the position for quite a long time, and as he did so realized that the guy's figure as seen from behind had broad shoulders and a narrow butt, his back so straight it was like he was a soldier standing at attention, his legs long and straight. Consequently he couldn't resist sticking his head out to keep looking, all the way until Lan Wangji had turned the corner, headed down the stairs, and disappeared entirely from view, before he reluctantly slunk back into his room.
What kind of a person is this, he's so vicious! No wait, didn't you have a crush on me? How come you're not even a little bit kind! Minus points!
...Hm? Wait a minute...
This building has at least sixteen dorm rooms, and half of them are from classes he leads. But he didn't go looking for anyone else, and didn't check how clean anyone else's dorm room was—why did he only enter mine? From arriving, to leaving, didn't he basically make a straight beeline!?
Is there such thing as a dorm patrol only spot checking one person!?
There's no way he'd do this just because he happened to see me throw out a chip bag as he was passing by, right!?
Which means...
Hmph.
I knew he had a crush on me.
He was just looking for an excuse to meet me, wasn't he!?
So what were you so mean for, when you meet the guy you have a crush on you shouldn't you be as gentle as the spring breeze?
Like, say...give me a shoulder massage, deliver tea, feed me...or something.
Lan-xuezhang oh Lan-xuezhang, you're such a tsundere, keeping it hidden so deep, if I was anyone else there's no way they'd ever notice. If it weren't for how amazingly perceptive I am, anyone else would totally have thought you were just trying to pick a fight with them.
No matter how handsome you are that's still gonna leave you forever alone.
Having figured out the whole story in a flash of insight, Wei Wuxian suddenly had a clear conscience, dropping the mop in his hand as he dropped back into his chair.
Wait!
He'd been about to fall asleep when a jolt of lightning flashed through his brain.
What did he say!?
What was it he'd said, when Lan Wangji came to check his room!?
—Lan Er-gege's so impressive, you made my little heart pound.
Injure a thousand people!? Lose eight hundred of your own!? [TN: An idiom meaning that if you try to meet force with force, neither side will get a happy ending.]
Injure...what!?
Wouldn't Lan Wangji have been happy beyond belief to hear that!? This was all benefits and no losses for him, wasn't it!?
If that line could injure Lan Wangji then his name wasn't Wei!
Wei Wuxian was mentally vomiting blood like a madman, barely a step away from dying on the spot.
"It's not that I'm not trying my best...it's that the enemy's too powerful...urgh..." The tiny person in his mind felt in his shirt for 3.50 in old banknotes, shaking as he said, "This is my final party membership dues..."
Boooooooom！
After the huge explosion, Wei Wuxian was struggling at death's door, gasping his final breath as he collapsed onto his desk. A piece of paper landed on his head, on which was written—"Essay Topic Proposal", deadline, tomorrow.
A fatal hit, HP-3000.
The End.
(It's not actually over, TBC.)
========
Next chapter: 02